


identity

by nauticalwarrior



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Pronoun Change, Trans, Trans Killua, Trans Male Character, and dysphoria, and food, binding, uh yeah, warning for improper binding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2015-03-05
Packaged: 2018-03-16 04:10:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3473939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nauticalwarrior/pseuds/nauticalwarrior
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua questions his gender. warnings for dysphoria, improper binding, talk of breasts, and food.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. denial and consequences

Killua stretched in the dim morning light, tiny ghosts of sunbeams dancing across her torso. She rubbed at her eyes, wipng away crusty sleep and enjoying the warmth of recent dreams that still clung to her limbs. Pulling the covers away from her body, she stepped lightly off of the bed onto the hotel room floor, sock-feet brushing against wood, sweatpants brushing against legs, and t-shirt brushing against skin. She brushed her fingers over the disheveled bedsheets as she moved silently across the room. The peaceful aura of morning seemed too fragile, too precious to break with even the slightest of sounds, so she moved silently, as she often would. The habit must have its origins in her training, but she liked to think that she would have been quiet even if she had not been born a Zoldyck.

 

Her silent footsteps ended in front of the hotel's sink, facing a spotless mirror in a spotless bathroom. Her room back at the Zoldyck residence would never be quite so clean as the rooms they booked; it was quite a luxury to be able to stay in hotels as often as she and Gon would. She twisted the sink's knob and watched the cold, clear water flal for a second before splashing the water onto her face, washing off sweat from her dreams. Rubbing her skin, she grimaced at the oily feeling of her skin and blindly reached for the soap, eyes shut to keep the water out. She rubbed the soap into her skin, trying to wash the dirt from the day before. Cold water rinsed off the soap, and damp hands dried off her face enough for her to open her eyes.

 

Delicate, dripping features stared back at her, wide eyed and not yet awake. She was only thirteen, but breasts were obvious under her thin t-shirt, as were the doll-like lines of her face. Her shoulder length hair and wide blue eyes only worsened the fragile effect, making her look less like an assassin and more like a photograph. She grabbed the hand towel folded neatly on the sink and dried off her face. God, she looked so... girly. She frowned and turned sideways. Her breasts stuck out a bit, as did her butt. Turning to face forward again, she pulled her t-shirt tight against her body. She was thin, and didn't have many curves to speak of, but even if she looked like a man from the neck up, nobody would ever doubt she was a girl.

But was she truly a girl? Killua sighed and stared at her reflection. She didn't feel like a girl. She didn't feel like every time somebody said, "Leave this to the men". She didn't feel like every person who asked, "Is this really a job for a girl?". She didn't feel like every little curve of her body that bent into shapes that sung "Woman! Woman!". She didn't feel like every half step her voice was higher than Gon's. But she didn't know. She had, of course, heard about those who are not the gender people chose for them, but she didn't know.

 

In that moment, the room was too small and the lights were too bright and her eyes weren't watering over this, she wasn't crying oh god she wasn't that upset over this. She wiped her dysphoria out of her eyes and opened the cabinet that she and Gon kept the medical supplies in. There was bandaids, peroxide, gauze for wounds, wrap for twisted ankles, pills for pain, and something for everything else. Everything but what she wanted right then.

Would gauze work? It wasn't strong nor elastic enough, and it wasn't exactly reusable. Wrap it was then, because what else was she supposed to do? She could handle this herself, and if there were other options she wouldn't need them. Plus, it's medical. What harm could it do?

Killua unrolled about 4 inches of the wrap and pulled up her shirt, holding it up with her teeth. She pulled the wrap around her chest, tightly wrapping her breasts first. Practiced from wrapping wounds with gauze, she looped the wrap around herself time and time again, wrapping over both breast and ribs, just to be safe. She prodded her sides gently, checking to make sure it was even and wouldn't come undone. It nearly completely compressed her chest, not that her breasts had been particularily large to begin with, but still. This was good. She felt good like this. She took a deep breath just to make sure she could, feeling slight pressure at the end of her inhale. It didn't hurt, and it was alright as long as it compressed enough right? If it was any looser, it would surely some undone; better safe than sorry.

 

She let her t-shirt fall back over her chest and pushed open the bathroom door slowly, peeking out to make sure that Gon wasn't back yet. Where was he anyways? He usually was here this time of day.

 

Killua walked over to their shared dresser and pulled open her drawer. She shuffled through her clothes, pulling out a black long-sleeved shirt, a white t-shirt to wear over the top, and shorts. In other words, what she normally wore. It wasn't that exciting, but she looked good in it and routine was nice when you spent so much time moving. She threw off her t-shirt and dressed quickly, enjoying the feel of clean fabric on her skin.

 

Stretching for the second time that morning, Killua stood up. She enjoyed the light pressure of the wrap aorund her chest, reminding her of her new source of confidence. Smoothing out her clothing, she looked down at herself. Maybe not as a man, but she could definitely be mistaken for a prepubescent boy. She had always been childlike enough, and this was a far better childlike than the girly, dollish looks she was used to having. It was nice.

 

"Killu! I'm back!" The voice of her companion filled the silence of the hotel room as Gon opened the door. He had one arm around a paper bag, and he used the other to shut the door behind him as he walked in. Killua turned to face him completely, smiling at the boy. He looked excited, and Killua couldn't help but feel the same.

 

"Guess what I got?" The freckled boy motioned Killua over to him as he sat on the nearest bed, the paper bag rustling. Killua moved to sit next to him, peering couriously into the bag.

 

"Chocolate? A game? What is it?" Killua asked, using her hand to try and get a better look in the bag.

 

Gon laughed, smiling wide at Killua. "Not exactly! Although there is chocolate in there..." He pulled one, two, then three boxes out of the bag, grinning like a child. "Since Killua always complains about how we don't eat neough in the mornings, I got us breakfast!" Gon opened one of the boxes, revealing four fried eggs and two slices of toast.

 

"Wow! Thanks, Gon!" Killua smiled at her friend and opened another box, curious. Inside, a stack of chocolate chip pancakes sat, wating to be eaten. "Holy cow Gon! This is awesome!"

 

Gon laughed. "You think so? There's fruit and meat in the other box. We have enough breakfast to last a week!" Killua grinned and nodded, completely in agreement. This was perfect.

 

"We should totally eat the pancakes first. Just saying." Gon laughed again, tilting his head back slightly.

 

"Sure! Not much of a surprise there! Chocolate always gets you into a meal." Gon reached his hands into the paper bag again as he talked, pulling out some napkins. "Here we are! Let's eat and then get training!"

 

Killua nodded and grabbed the top pancake off of the stack of four, ripping pieces off with her hands and stuffing the delicious pancake into her mouth. It was warm and fluffy, with just the right amount of bitter chocolate and sweet pancake. She groaned and spoke through the pancake, her voice muffled.

 

"Issh sho good!" Gon laughed and grabbed one for himself. He too began to eat, although not quite as ravenously as Killua. Within seconds, both of the kids' pancakes were long gone, and they reached for seconds.

 

Gon spoke right before stuffing his mouth with his second pancake. "Wanna go train after we eat?" Killua, her mouth too full to attempt comprehensible speech, simply nodded. Gon gave his best smile around his mouth full of pancakes, and Killua felt warm.

 

* * *

 

 

Killua wiped her mouth with the napkin and rubbed her belly contently. "That was really good." She looked over to Gon, who was lying on the bed next to three empty boxes and two orange peels.

 

"You think? I liked it too. Shoulda gotten more..." Killua laughed as Gon said that.

 

"Yeah, right! We barely finished this! You shouldn't have eaten that last piece of toast; you're gonna be all full when we're training!" She said, pointed to her friend with joking accusation. Gon groaned, exagerrating the discomfort in his voice.

 

"But it was dipped in egg yolk and it was sooooo goooood!" Killua laughed.

 

"Alright, alright! But we should get to training soon, we spent a good hour eating and talking. Plus I've seen you train after eating even more." Killua stood up and streched as she spoke. She was looking forward to training, especially because of how confident she felt with her chest bound in the way that it was. She looked to see that Gon had stood up as well, wiping his mouth on his arm and running a hand through his spiky hair. He was wearing the tank top and shorts he often wore when training or lazing around a hotel room, and Killua couldn't help but be envious of how... masucline he looked.

 

"You alright?" Gon sounded concerned, and Killua snapped out of her thoughts and back into reality.

 

"Yeah, I'm fine. You ready to go?" Gon nodded and smiled warmly. Killua turned and walked to the door, opening it and stepping into the cool spring air. This part of the country was so nice this time of the year, and Killua was glad that she and Gon spent so much time outside. She loved every moment they spent training, every moment they spent living. This life had such a sharp contrast to her past that it was almost like it was in a completely different universe. Killua walked next to Gon as she pondered this.

 

She had certainly changed since she left home, but it wasn't unexpected. She had, of course, grown physically. Sometimes she found that growth unfourtunate, moreso than she had expected to. Before she had hit puberty, she hadn't felt any of this discomfort, this disconnect. She had just kind of ignored any part of her life than dealt with gender, which wasn't much to begin with. She wasn't sure that she could even be called a girl anymore, and she didn't know what to do with herself half of the time. She would have asked Gon, but who knows how he'd react? Part of her wanted to believe that he would be her friend no matter what, but another part of her wasn't so optimistic.

 

"This spot look good?" For the second time that day, Gon's words snapped her out of deep thought. She glance around at clearing they had reached. The forest next to the town was vast, but Killua remembered passing this spot earlier on.

 

"Yeah. Wanna spar first?" Killau grinned, stepping back with one foot and bending her legs slightly, bringing her hands closer to her face. Gon got the message and got into a stance of his own, a goofy grin plastered on his face like usual.

 

Killua darted forward at the speed of barely-fast-enough and threw a light, nen-free punch to Gon's chest. He barely missed blocking it, and instead resigned to simply throwing a kick. Killua guarded with her left forearm and threw a kick of her own, twisting her body and aiming for Gon's head. Gon blocked with ease and parried with a punch to Killua's gut. She stepped to the side and slid forward, punching Gon in the shoulder. He didn't try to block, grinning as he threw a perfectly timed kick to Killua's stomach. Killua stepped back and rubbed the sore spot on her abdomen.

 

"Ow! You planned that out didn't you?!" Gon's smile confirmed Killua's assumption and She darted forward again, this time aiming to sweep Gon's legs from under him. If she could just unbalance him a bit, he'd be easier to hit with a punch. Gon stumbled but didn't fall, and Killua hit him right in the center of his chest with a punch. Gon grunted and tried to retaliate with a kick, but Killua kicked at his standing leg and he fell, out of breath from fighting, right on top of Killua.

 

The two fighters laughed breathlessly, breathing equally hard. Gon was an even match for Killua, and he was beyond fun to train with. Killua took a deep breath, about to spring back up, and felt a sharp pang of pain in her chest. She frowned and stood up, rubbing her chest. As Gon stood back up, she did her best to push it out of her mind and focus on training. Gon moved first this time, startling Killua slightly as he moved forward. His elbow almost caught her ribs, but she guarded just in time, stepping back with the force of Gon's hit. She kneed him in the stomach, only to be caught by his hand and be forced to step back again. She twisted around and threw a kick with her back leg, trying to knock Gon over with sheer force. She noticed his elbow too late this time, only just before it crashed into her chest. The hit wasn't hard enough that it would have hurt her normally, but something wasn't right. Killua sat down, pain shooting through her chest. She gasped for breath, only making it worse.

 

"Hey! Killua, you alright?!" Gon crouched down next to her and galnced her over. "Did I hurt you?"

 

Killua gasped for breath, each inhale harder than the next. She had to get this stupid wrap off. "Can't... breathe..." She gasped out, pulling her shirts up with one hand, revealing the wrap. She winced at the pain as her ribs shift slightly.

 

"You were hurt before we fought? Why didn't you use gauze? You should have told me!" Gon reached for the wrap and began unwrapping it, quick but gentle. Killua didn't bother answering his questions, knowing that she could get away with it as long as she was hurt. She shut her eyes as Gon unwrapped more of the wrap, the pressure on her chest lessening. She wasn't nervous about him seeing her breasts; he had seen them many times before when bandaging up after a battle or changing in a cramped hotel room. However, she really didn't want to explain why she had wrapped her chest despite her lack of an injury. The pain in her side flared up as if to contradict her, and she wanted to cry.

 

"Killua? You alright?" Gon sounded worried. Killua eye's snapped open, and she nodded before glancing down to see the damage done. A small spread of purpley black about the size of her palm had formed on her left ribs. She glanced back up at Gon, wondering what he was thinking. Gon knew that that hadn't been the side he had hit her on, and Killua figured that he would assume it was there before the fight.

 

"Yeah. Looks pretty gross though." Killua forced a smile and Gon looked reassured, if only a little bit.

 

"Yeah, it does. We should get you to a doctor. It looks kind of broken." Killua frowned at this, fixing a scowl on her face.

 

"No way. We've had worse." Killua would have folded her arms across her chest, but that wasn't really an option right now. She sat up straighter and tried to look uninjured, cheerful, healthy. Gon pouted, and he _did_ cross his arms.

 

"Fine then. I can call Leorio and ask where he is. He can't be that far from us, maybe a few towns over. You can't complain either," he added, right as Killua opened her mouth to speak, "He's a friend as well as a medical student. If we don't visit him for medical reasons, we'll visit him as a friend." Killua sighed, knowing full well that once Gon was set on something, there was no turning him down.

 

"Alright, sure. But what are you gonna do if he's a few days away? I won't be able to move as fast as I normally can, especially if this is broken." Gon frowned, in deep thought.

 

"Well, if the wait will be that long, I can take you to a normal doctor." Gon grinned at Killua, and she sighed. Gon always was stubborn, but Killua didn't want to explain the unusual scernario to a doctor, particularily not Leorio. Saying that aloud, however, would tip Gon off to something being wrong. That was what Killua wanted the least.

 

"Fine. You should call him now then." Gon nodded in response and pulled out his cell phone, quickly typing in Leorio's number.

 

"Hello? Yeah, it's me! We're good." There was a slight pause before Gon started to talk again. "Well, Killua's hurt, and she doesn't want to go to a doctor, but she agreed if it's you. She hurt her chest before we were training I think." Another pause followed by Gon laughing. "Really? That's only about an hour from here! Head on over as soon as you can please." The phone beeped and Gon put it back into his pocket.

"What's the story?" Killua had picked up that Leorio was nearby, but not much else.

 

"Leorio is in the town I got breakfast from! He said he was heading our way anyways, so he should be here soon, maybe in an hour or so. It's too bad Kurapika isn't nearby! We could have a meetup." Gon's smile faded. "You should have told me you were hurt. What happened anyways?"

 

Killua shifted her gaze to the side. "It's nothing really." It wasn't nothing. Her best friend thought of her as a girl. She just wanted to feel alright for a day, and looked where it got her. A broken rib and heavy secrets pressed on her chest, and for the second time that day, tears pricked at her eyes.

 


	2. knowledge and secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> leorios here and its time for some doctoring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter is so much shorter

The door to he hotel room swung open and Killua strained to see from her spot on the bed, lying on her uninjured side. Gon had carried her back to the room with no small amount of complaining and accidental bumps, and now she lay resting, waiting for Leorio to hurry his ass up. She was pretty sure her rib was broken, but she didn't voice this to her friend. He would have just worried more than he already was, and Killua couldn't bear to inflict that emotional pain on him. He had left a moment ago to stand at the from of the hotel building to meet Leorio, his impatientence spilling over the edges.

 

"Killua! Leorio's here!" The voice of her friend confirmed her suspicions. Part of her was anxious, worried that Leorio would ask too many questions about too many things.

 

The bearded face of her other, older friend loomed over her. "How are you feeling?" Leorio lifted her shirt tenatively, whistling as he saw the bruise.

 

"Alright." Killua smiled at Leorio, forcing happiness into her voice. He ribs didn't hurt too badly, not compared to other injuries she'd had in the years previous, but she still felt that sense of _wrong_ that her body seemed to conjure up on its own.

 

"Like hell you're fine! That rib is probably broken! I'm gonna listen to your chest and have you breathe deeply for me, alright?" Leorio fit a stethoscope over his ears and pressed the cold metal diaphragm to Killua's chest. Killua took the deepest breath she could, but as she inhaled, she winced slightly at the pain. The frown on Leorio's face made it clear that he had noticed her slip.

 

"Does your rib hurt when I do this?" Leorio pressed lightly on her breastbone, and Killua felt a pang of pain in her rib. She nodded, and Leorio sighed, taking off his stethoscope.

 

"It's broken alright. Mind telling me exactly how you did this? You two are usually pretty careful with training." Killua made no move to reply, praying that Gon would do the same. Leorio, probably sensing this, glanced over to Gon, arms folded expectantly.

 

"Well, I don't know... I think Killu was hurt before we started training." Killua winced internally at that. Leorio was gonna jump all over that.

 

"What?! What does that mean? You were jumping around with a broken rib?!" Yep. Leorio was angry. Killua sighed, wishing more than anything that she could just sink into the bedsheets and dissappear.

"No! She had wrap around her chest, like the kind we use for sprains and stuff. I think it made whatever was going on worse." Gon sounded so innocent, so concerned as he covered for Killua, that she wanted to punch him simply out of love. And frustration. If she just hadn't had breasts in the first place, none of this would have happened. Killua wanted to run to somewhere dark and alone, where she could just call herself a boy and maybe use different pronouns and maybe just not have breasts. She was a boy, wasn't she? It didn't make sense, and she didn't know anything in that moment.

 

"Wrap? Like over her uh... boobs?" Leorio's voice highlighted the unnaturally long pause in the conversation that Killua almost missed for her own thoughts. There was no response from Gon, but he presumabely nodded as Leorio's face took on a knowing look.

 

"Alright. Killua, you'll actually breathe better if you lie on the injured side. You could also sit up if you want. I think it's just a greenstick fracture, so you're not in any danger as long as you don't make it any worse. However, i would like to talk to you alone. Gon, could you step outside for a moment?" Killua couldn't see Gon's face, but she would have bet anything that he looked confused and concerned, maybe even a touch hurt. Leorio, on the other hand, looked confident, like he knew what he was doing. But how could he? It wasn't like Leorio knew anybody as messed up as Killua. Killua heard a door shut and sat up, watching Leorio carefully as she moved slowly to avoid pain.

 

"So, uh. You've been feeling kinda, uh... not girly?" It was more of a question than a statement, and despite the awkwardness, part of Killua soared with the knowledge that Leorio knew what was going on and he hadn't flipped out on her.

 

"I guess. I've been thinking that uh... maybe I'm a boy." Killua glanced away from Leorio's face, feeling the familiar prickling of tears at the corner of her eyes. She was afraid. Fuck, she was afraid that she'd be rejected, screamed at, yelled at. Maybe he'd even hit her.

 

"Okay. Uh, so you know Kurapika?" Killua looked back at Leorio, startled slightly by the mention of the blonde. What did he have to do with this? "He's uh... nonbinary I think. He kinda came out to me a while back. He still uses 'he' pronouns though, I'm not sure why."

 

Killua stared at Leorio in complete shock. Kurapika was like her? Brave, kind, strong Kurapika? She wasn't alone? Even in her small group of friends, she had somebody else like her? Killua felt relief wash over her in little waves, and she felt almost giddy. She wasn't alone!

 

"Uh... Do you want us to start using different pronouns now?" Leorio still sounded unsure, concerned.

 

On an impulse, Killua answered. "Yeah. Could you call me 'he' please?" To his relief, Leorio nodded and a smile broke out across Killua's face. Leorio smiled back at him, and Killua felt the best that he had in weeks, months even.

 

"I'll be sure to call you whatever you want! But don't wrap your chest like that again. There's clothing made specifically to do that, and wrap for injuries will just hurt you, especially if you exercise." Killua nodded in response to Leorio's warning, hand unconsciously moving to his broken rib. "Does Gon know?"

 

The question startled Killua. His eyes edged to the side again and he fumbled for words. "Uh... not really..." Leorio sighed, putting his head into his hands.

 

"So that's what this is. You should tell him, you know. I'm sure he'll take it well; he's not the judging type." Killua didn't look at Leorio, silently contemplating the possiblities. It was true that Gon wasn't one to judge. The chances of him simply not caring were fairly high though, and Killua didn't think Gon would be able to call him by the correct pronouns without constant reminding. But he had to try, didn't he? Otherwise, it would be an insult to Gon's friendship with him.

 

"I'll tell him."

 

* * *

 

 

Gon was sitting across from Killua, his eyes wide and mouth slightly open. Killua turned his gaze from Gon, nervous for his reaction. He couldn't believe what he'd just confessed to his friend. Gon, on the other hand, begin to speak.

 

"Killua's a guy? Why didn't you tell me?! You can be my brother!" Killua looked back up at Gon to see a wide, reassuring smile on his face. "Killua should take care of himself though! I don't like seeing you hurt!"

 

Killua smiled warmly, happiness glowing in his body. He wasn't rejected, he wasn't broken, he wasn't hated. Gon was okay with it. Everyone was okay with it. He wasn't going to be yelled at, he wasn't going to be hit. Everything was perfect. Tears pricked his eyes again, although not from sadness.

 

"Ehh? Why are you crying?!" Gon, apparently aware of Killua's tears, moved to hug him, pulling away when he winced.

 

"Broken ribs, Gon! And I'm not crying!" Gon tilted his head back and laughed, a familiar grin on his face. Killua smiled too, because everything was alright for once. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got sooo much positive feedback on the last chapter!! this is probably gonna be the last chapter though! i may add a happy epilouge to this, but ive recently gotten into another anime, which i may start writing for....
> 
> also, to everyone reading my other fics: cold feet will get updated, eventually. im never updating winter rain again because i put way too much effort into that for so little feedback (and uh it sucks)

**Author's Note:**

> please leave kudos and/or review! feedback is very important! also, the pronouns will shift to he/him at some point so yeah.


End file.
